Forgiveness and Grieving

Last night I learned that I have not properly grieved things in my life. I have been quick you extend forgiveness and forget but then realize that grieving is another complete different process.

What do I mean by this? It's been a long process to figure out what type of relationship to have with my own father. My father has been such different things to me over the last 43 years. I saw him as a hard worker but he was always tired and absent. I saw him as a weak man who couldn't stand up to his parents. I saw him as a hurt child struck in an adult body.

 I didn't know he was bipolar until I was an adult. I heard my mother share that he suffered from depression but didn't realize how much changed her and what she battled throughout her marriage living with a bipolar spouse.

See noone tells you that enduring and living life with someone who has PTSD will change everyone around them. I saw my father sent to a mental and health center with my mother hoping he would get better but the fact is, my father didn't and hasn't known how to do this because he doesn't see anything better for himself.

Now back to grieving. Realizing I didn't have the father I needed growing up to nurture and talk to me about life issues. He was not a father who modeled himself after Christ and lead me into the Word. It wasn't his fault when these skills and truth weren't given you him.

People can't give what they don't have so when I now battle with trying to have any adult relationship with my father at age 43, it's been really HARD. I still feel like I'm talking to a grown child. While he says he's proud of me and what I have when he has down emotions in his bipolarity he ends up being really rude and disrespectful to me.

See, someone who is emotionally dysregulated they cannot give you what you desire. They only see themselves as a victim and anyone that didn't meet their needs is an enemy. I saw my mom live this life and I now know I do not want this in my life especially with someone that I cannot trust will be mentally stable on a weekly basis.

I'm not the person my father needs to heal but I know the healthier option for me is to forgive, live from far away and PRAY HARD that the right person will come across to my father in order to be delivered from his past.

I grieve and cried because I realized I was trying to have and force a relationship with my father, hoping that he would be different or be changed by my behavior. Maybe he was in some days but I realized it was much more difficult to not get entangled with his dysfunctional behavior.

The Lord has been really showing me the boundaries I need to create that I haven't been shown for YEARS and while it feels selfish and self centered they are not. I'm thankful to be learning new things daily through Scripture and health professionals that are able to give sound advice.

I know that my true Father is in heaven who watches over me and allows me to see the healthy relationships my own girls can have as they grow to but I cannot covet or force what a person cannot give. I can change my story through my family by watching my husband love and establish the relationship I couldn't have with my own father.

What a true gift! Seeing the positive and the future through my own family despite the pain of the past is true grieving. Letting go and moving towards change and listing legacy is where the Lord helps breaks the cycle of dysfunction.